Have you ever felt like life, God, or whatever is just trying to screw you? I know that sounds bitter and childish, and believe me I’m the last person who would say such a thing but I’m still saying it- sometimes life just sucks. And that’s just the situation for me right now. If you don’t believe me, keep reading and you will.

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Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico

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First of all, I want to apologize because I haven’t been blogging lately. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I come up with a crappy post like this. So sorry, you guys! But I just need to go on this little rant. Life for me has been less than great for months, and I really need to vent, so bear with me.

The Tragedy

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My sister Diana and I as children

Last March, my sister Diana passed away after a long battle with leukemia. I spent weeks feeling really depressed afterward. To be honest, I’m still feeling depressed about this. See, the problem is that I just can’t make any sense out of it, and there probably isn’t any, and that’s what troubles me even more.

This is so hard for me because my sister and I grew up together, only 10 months apart. I was the oldest. We were so close, we could almost read each other’s mind. Life put us on different paths, and we ended up having completely different lives, but at least we were together in the end. I held her hand before she died, I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me too.

A Crisis Of Faith

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My sisters, Julie and Diana, and I

Just to make it clear, up until this point I was a faithful Christian and I still believe in God, but the death of my sister has sparked a real crisis of faith that I just don’t see how to turn around. This tragedy clashes with my whole idea of a loving God, and I can’t even pray like I used to anymore. A priest came to talk to the whole family right after the fact, and I remember he said we had to trust God’s plan, but I still can’t see how I can do that. If this was God’s plan all along, it just seems downright cruel. I remember my sister told us many times she wanted to live, and I think that’s why I can’t pray anymore. Every time I try, I remember my sister telling me she didn’t want to die, but she did, and that’s where I have a problem with trusting God.

If you’re reading this and you’re feeling like you want to lecture me on godly things, you’re not alone. I’ve had close friends and relatives try to do that, but so far I’ve found no words or Bible verses to offer me comfort. I feel like God tore her away from us, or tore her away from where she wanted to be. Like I said, it seems cruel, and unfair.

Trying To Heal

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My sister Diana and her husband, Raul, on their wedding day. They were married 5 months.

I’ve tried to deal with this the best way I can. My sister had a gifted voice, and she loved to sing. We used to sing at the children’s church choir together, and we had band in high school. We sang and wrote songs together. So what I do now is sing all those songs to myself, by myself. I think that somehow she can hear me, and she’s singing along with me somewhere, and that makes me feel a little better.

Perhaps I’m having a personal problem with God’s plans, but I still have faith in love. Love trascends time and space, and love is the one thing that still connects my sister with us. Wherever heaven is, she still has our love there with her, and we still have her love here with us.

You’ll say to me that God is love, and I try to think that way, but I still don’t understand the why. Perhaps one day I will. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps there is no why, no reason, no explanation. I need time to make my peace with that. And maybe one day I’ll be able to pray again.

Life Is Ruthless

After my sister died, Life decided it was time to really start screwing with my family and me.

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My husband and I

Last May, my husband started getting really painful backaches. After getting labs done, it turned out that several of his lower vertebrae are worn out and he might need surgery. As you can probably guess, this was awfully bad news for us. Even if we could get our insurance to pay for the whole thing, there’s still the added cost of him not being able to work while he recovers. He has a job teaching at a local university, but a surgery will really set us back.

To make things worse, our family business started failing. My husband is a veterinarian, and together we run a dog training center. It’s usually good business, but it started going bad in March. We tried investing in promotion, improving the service, cutting expenses, you name it, but things kept going downhill. You can probably guess we’ve had to tighten our belts financially, because we really need a double income to make ends meet.

So while we’re talking about our options, the landlady comes up out of the blue and tells us she doesn’t want to renew our lease. We’ve been renting a house where the five of us -two parents and three kids- can fit comfortably, and the price is reasonable. We’ve been paying the rent, but the landlady says that doesn’t matter, she wants the house back so she can do whatever she wants with it. That’s it. No reason why. She gave us a couple of months to find another place and move out.

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My parents, my sisters and I in happier times

Just then, we also get the news that my Dad isn’t doing well. The whole ordeal with my sister left his health in a shambles, and his diabetes completely out of control. Labs show that his kidneys aren’t working well, and his glucose levels and blood pressure are through the roof. So now he is on a very strict diet and treatment. He has to take tons of meds, which make him feel even worse than before.

Of course, my parents are still feeling very depressed about my sister, specially my Mom. She took care of my sister since the day she was diagnosed with leukemia to the day when she left this Earth, and this took a huge emotional toll on Mom. And now, she’s taking care of my Dad. She thinks she’ll have to go down the same road with my Dad as she did with my sister, so she feels like this whole thing is just hopeless.

Feeling Grateful

At this point, I really have to say something like…

WTF, Life and God??? What the hell is the plan? Is there even a plan? Or do you just want to screw with us all?

I know I still have a lot to be thankful for. We have food on the table…barely. We have our health…at least some of us do. We have a roof over our heads…not for long. We have work….not nearly enough. So yes, that’s pretty much it.

At least the kids are fine. They’re feeling anxious about everything, but they’re healthy. I guess I do have that one thing to be grateful for!

But I’m still angry, you know. Life just sucks right now. We’re all having a really hard time dealing with everything.

We managed to find a house that we can move into, but it’s ten times smaller so we’ll have to downsize. I have to throw out a lot of junk, and find a storage space. The kids are not thrilled about that.

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My babies

My husband is angry and depressed too, because he feels he can’t provide for his family like he should. He needs a cane to walk, and we have to get through the insurance red tape or save enough money for the surgery ASAP, because he could have nerve damage in a few months’ time.

My parents are dealing with my Dad’s health issues as best they can, but the meds and labs are expensive. They were renovating their new home and planned to move in December, but they’ll have to put that off for a while.

I’ve been feeling stressed and anxious about everything. I had a bout of emotional eating a couple of weeks ago, and I probably gained a couple of pounds. This didn’t make me feel any better, but now I’m drinking a lot of water, and that helps. I’m also working out every day. But I should really try to get some more sleep, because my dark circles are getting darker and darker.

Unconditional Love

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
My oldest son and I

Still, there’s one thing we still have that nothing can take away from us- love. My husband and I still love each other, and we’re sticking together through this, just like we’ve done many times before. We love our kids, and even though we’ve moved around a lot, we’ve always tried to make a loving home for them. This time won’t be any different.

I also love my parents. They know can count on us. And I still have my younger sister Julie here with me. She and I helped our parents all those months when my sister Diana was in the hospital getting chemo. We also organized her funeral so that my parents wouldn’t have to. We’re helping them deal with my Dad’s treatment. It’s not easy, but we’re family. We have each other’s back.

Right now, I don’t find comfort in the idea of God, but I do find comfort in the idea of unconditional love. You might say that’s exactly what God is all about, but I just can’t fit Him into the picture right now. Normally, during hard times, praying and trusting God’s plan for me was my comfort. I don’t feel that right now. I would like to, but I can’t. I just can’t. But I trust love. And I guess God and love are basically the same thing. At least I used to think so. If you want, pray for me because I can’t do it. Not right now. If you don’t believe in God, then wish me luck. I need that too.

Update 07/22/16

Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You | My Heart Of Mexico
Mom’s 30-year-old pet bird. Rest in peace, little guy!

Today my Mom woke up to find her pet bird dead. It was grandma’s pet bird, and Mom kept it after grandma died. That dang bird had been in the family for 30 years, and I guess it was just too old so it died. And now Mom has a new bout of depression. Yay! Oh, and we haven’t moved yet because the new teeny tiny house needs several repairs done first and the worker decided to bail. So now we only have a few days left before we don’t have a roof over our heads. Awesome. Just awesome.

One thing I am truly grateful for are your comments. I mean it! If you have any thoughts, please share.

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43 thoughts on “Life Is Ruthless And It Screws With You

  1. I’m very sorry for your loss and struggles. I think it’s wonderful that you are trying to take care of yourself and practice graditude in a time of such adversity. I know that will give you strength. Sending lots of love and good wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry for your loss 😦
    My husband held his father’s hand as he passed away when he was 14 and it’s been 20 years and he still can’t talk to God. I pray for him. I send prayers to y’all. I hope everything works out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, Fabiola, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this… It’s a fact that bad things come all together. We have also been going through a bad patch for the last few years, and things have kept getting worse, not better. Try and take comfort in your family. Having children is a major reason to carry on and to be happy. Your sister lives on in your mind, and in your heart. In time you will feel better, although I also cannot believe in a divine plan for letting young people die. I can accept the cycle of life, but not the aberrations… I’m thinking about you. Hugs, Marina

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Marina! But one really strange thing I’ve noticed is that there’s a lot of bad stuff going on all over the world too. I haven’t been really involved in the discussion, but I’ve noticed all the bad news in the media. Maybe it’s a bad year in general? Hmmm…

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  4. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your sister, and everything else that have escalated since then. I send all the love to you and your family ❤
    Now, I don't believe in a God the same way you do (or used to?), I more so believe that our souls go through different stages and learn certain lessons in different lives. Therefore, I can't agree with the whole idea of "someone" screwing with you. Even if there is a God, I'm absolutely certain that he's not screwing with you. Like you said, you have something that nothing or no one will ever be able to take away – your love. Just focus on that love, let it consume you and fill you up completely, and know that life will turn around. Just don't focus on all the horrible things that are happening (even if it is indeed hard not to) – it will only make you feel worse. Showing gratitude towards that love you all share, will multiply it and all good things in life eventually.

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    1. I don’t think God is trying to kick my butt, I just don’t think He cares all that much. I was brought up believing certain things but right now those things don’t mean anything to me. I try more to focus on all the tasks at hand. Keeping my mind occupied is also the best way I’ve found to help me cope with all this.

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      1. Definitely! And you know, maybe it’s okay to doubt for now. We all go through that at some stage in life. Maybe that’s part of your healing process too. Either you’ll come back to your faith or maybe it’ll change. Let it be okay, and at least that part will feel easier. You can do this, you’re stronger than you think! Stay occupied.

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  5. I have been thinking of you lately and wondering how you are doing. Your post cleared up some of that. One of my favorite sayings is “Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something beautiful.” It’s nearly butterfly season! Hang in there!

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  6. I have soo enjoyed your blog and I have mentioned you to all my friends as you are an inspiration! Praying for you and sending love from Christchurch, New Zealand. xox

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  7. My heart is so heavy for you and your family Fabiola. You have all been through and are going through so much. I am so very sorry! It sounds like you are all still grieving your sister’s death. That is so normal and to be expected. It is okay to feel sad and mad and all the emotions you are feeling. I think God understands. I would encourage you just to be honest with God and pour out what you are feeling. He can handle it, and He knows it already. He never promised life would be easy, but He did promise to be with us during all the terrible things. It may just be too soon for you to turn to Him, but when you are able, lean into Him with honesty and ask Him to comfort you. He says He is the God of all comfort. I have seen Him bring comfort to those who you would think it would be impossible to be comforted. Give yourself time, though. And just the gratefulness you are already striving for is such a good thing. Keep going down that road. I will be praying for you. And please know that my heart goes out to all of you. Thank you for being so honest.

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  8. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s okay to be mad at God. He can take it. It’s also okay to question. He can handle that too. Sadly, there is a lot of truth in that old saying, “When it rains, it pours.” Here’s hoping you get your rainbow soon. Sending you love and prayers for hope and healing.

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  9. Someday you’ll be able to connect the dots and it will all make sense. Faith is faith and it’s easiest to lose faith when we need it most. Faith is also only tested when we actually need to take a step back and rely on it. I read this post of yours because I wrote something similar and not ‘advertise” on your post here but maybe you’d like to read my experience with this type of stuff. (http://honestlylaura.com/life/why-karma-is-a-crockand-how-to-explain-why-sht-happens)

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      1. It’s pretty easy to have faith when it’s not being tested but that defeats the very definition of faith. you want answers now and that’s your timeline. It may not be God’s. seems like you’re adding to your suffering by being angry and giving up on God. I don’t know about you but I could make life easy for my kids and spoil them with all good things but what lesson would that teach them? What good would it do to spoil them? The more spoiled people get the bigger the tantrum when bad things happen. Put this into perspective and have faith it will make sense someday. If not, well that’s just life too.

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      2. I should make it clear that God has been my rock through all the bad times I’ve had- I had faith God when I was having an emergency C-section and bleeding to death, I had faith when my son was in the ICU fighting for his life, I had faith when my husband and I lost our jobs and we were nearly homeless. I’ve had faith specially during bad times and we´ve pulled through. I don’t have faith in God right now, but I have faith that we will pull through. I don’t feel like God has spoiled me, he’s put me through some tough tests of faith and I’ve passed. But today I’m honest and I will say I’m failing this latest test of faith.

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      3. I sincerely hope you are able to write a post later on recounting these events and what you learned from it or maybe something came of it. I am happy you are able to share your journey through blogging. There’s a lot of people who can relate and looks like you have lots of support too.

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  10. Oh gosh I am so sorry this happened. I know what it’s like. We had several deaths in the family last year and it seemed like the world was caving in on us. You must let yourself get mad, grieve, and heal. It’s hard to explain death. We can’t put it all on God. It’s something that happened. This is a new chapter in your life and your family’s life. It hurts. I know. You have my prayers.

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  11. Yes, I see your point. I respect your beliefs, everyone is entitled to their own. I personallly don’t believe in God. It just puzzles me that if there is a God, why do we have all the problems we do. Why don’t the best things happen for the best people….. It just doesn’t make sense.

    All the best for you going forward 🙂

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    1. Well, there’s plenty of answers to that puzzling of yours. But the thing is that the idea of a higher power doesn’t mean that it’s there to make things perfect or even to protect good people. It’s just there to give people hope and something to stand on. I still believe in God and consider myself a Christian. But I guess you could say I’m standing in line at the complaints department. Because what good would the idea of God be if you can’t even complain about him? Just made myself laugh. Thanks for your good wishes!

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  12. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister, and all the subsequent troubles you’ve been going through. It really does seem as if everything is going wrong at the same time. Your parents must be suffering so much; it’s terrible to lose a sister, but even worse to lose a daughter. I’m not particularly religious so I can’t really say anything about God, but I think you’re right to put your faith in love. You will always have your sister’s love and she will always live on in the hearts of everyone who loved her. Love makes other problems less and holds the family together. Material things are less important if you have love. I hope your move to your new home goes smoothly and that things improve soon for your family. Keep taking care of yourself, too. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My parents are certainly feeling worse than I am, and that is painful to watch, specially my Mom. I’m going through a crisis of faith, but she told me she has lost all her faith completely. I understand her. But you’re right, love is holding the family together. And I just want to get this move over with so I can focus on other things!

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